It is now 5 years since I was diagnosed. In the statistics I am now one of the survivors. But what is life like after cancer? Is it ever the same as before?
The answer is 'not really!'
First of all there is the physical me. I went through three operations, a lumpectomy, then a wide local excision, then a mastectomy with reconstruction. And that takes its toll. There isn't a day when I don't feel pain in my left arm or shoulder. Although not fierce, it is always there, and keeps reminding me of what I've been through.There are other small things that are a result of the very punishing chemotherapy as well, like toenails not growing back properly, or stomach upsets I never used to have. I still have a minor heart problem too, for which I will have to take medication for the rest of my life.
Apart from that, I am OK.
Then there is the psychological me. Saying things like 'I am OK' is something I find troublesome. There is always that little voice inside me saying 'but am I?'. Because
one thing I learned is that you never know...
My sister An, who is also a survivor, told me that when she heard of my diagnosis, the first thing she said to her husband was, 'now she'll never feel that total happiness again, that feeling that nothing can go wrong and everything is fine. ' And she was right.
There are those days that I don't think of breast cancer, but they are few.
The trickiest times are when I have to go back to the hospital for tests. A few months ago the doctors had noticed something different in my latest mammogram. I had to go back for additional tests. The fear me and Haydn, my husband, felt that day was just the same as when I was diagnosed. I was sure it was all happening again.
Luckily it didn't. But that feeling of insecurity won't ever leave us.
And that's why becoming active and fundraising for the fight against breast cancer is so important to me. I want to take part in the fight against that bloody disease. No one deserves this and the more I can do to help fight cancer the better!
Hello. This made for interesting reading, thanks.
ReplyDeleteI just happen to be reading the book Smile Or Die (How Positive Thinking Fooled America And The World), by Barbara Ehrenreich, at the moment. The first chapter deals with her own breast cancer and the nauseating imprecations to "be positive" that she endured from well-wishers and those who would rather not deal with the more obvious (and perfectly normal) human emotions of fear and anger and despair.
I don't find it surprising that you still have trouble saying the words "I am okay". I just hope you don't beat yourself up for finding it difficult to resort to such glib and easy words. Of course you're not okay, you've just had cancer and still live with the permanent threat.
I think for anyone to feel completely (psychologically) "okay" under these exhaustingly difficult circumstances would be nothing short of a miracle. It's okay not to feel okay, in other words, and if anyone ever tries to tell you differently, Roos, feel free to whack them over the head with a spade.
I recommend the book, though, you may enjoy it. Good luck with the fundraising.
Kind regards etc....
TPE
(Oops. I signed into the wrong account, so there is no link back to my blog. Not that it matters, of course, but there we are.)
Thanks so much for your comment! Indeed, when I was ill the 'think positive brigade' could really upset me!
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